The threat of cancer.

The oncology surgeon says it’s 60/40 in favor of cancer.  It’s not the odds I wanted, but it’s what he thinks.  

It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling.  We have no certainty.  Just probability and odds and expert surmises.  We know for certain something is wrong; we know it’s size, it’s location, it’s presence.  But we don’t know it’s nature, it’s entanglements, it’s ultimate threat.  It’s hard to concentrate on the 40% benign option.  It’s easy to be sucked into the 60% cancer thinking.

I don’t want to be sick.  I want to be strong; I want to be healthy.  

I don’t know how to ask my friends to carry me.  I don’t know how to let others be in control of my life.  And I don’t know how I am going to fight to put me first.

I can learn, though.  And learn I will.  If it’s cancer, we’ll beat it.  If it’s not, we’ll rejoice.   

I am certain only of this:  I want to live and I want to live a life in service to others.   

So I won’t count myself out and I won’t give in and I won’t feel sorry for what I’m going through.  I will, instead, find  a way to make a difference from a hospital bed and a recovery ward.

And I will ask my friends to help me.