Get this thing out of me.

I think I have two brains.   The dominant one is rational, organized, thoughtful and funny (ROTF).   I think it goes on holiday at inappropriate times.  Or maybe it’s just that the ‘WTF’ brain clobbers it sometimes and takes over.  I know it goes to sleep earlier than I do which is a problem for me since my WTF brain is energized by my attempt to sleep.  

My ROTF brain knows that this tumor will come out.  It knows that hundreds of people have complicated surgery every day.   My WTF brain is screaming in the background:  GET THIS OUT OF ME NOW.  My WTF brain imagines it can feel the tumor growing and taking over my body.   My WTF brain wonders if this is an alien life force growing inside me that will burst out of my belly to chase after Sigourney Weaver.  

When this happens, my ROTF brain wakes up, comes back from holiday or wherever it’s gone and  yells “WTF” to my WTF brain.  ”You’re insane I’m taking charge again.”

This psychic split in my brain is both entertaining and debilitating.  Sometimes I root for the WTF to take over because, well, it’s like a scab I can’t stop picking. There’s a sick pleasure in discovering what crazy thing I will think of.   The more crazy it is, the less power this thing has over me when my ROTF brain is in charge.  

I mean really,  in the light day would I ever think this thing is an alien about to burst out of my chest?  Of course not.  That’s silly and since that’s silly, so is all the other stuff my WTF brain can concoct.  My ROTF scoffs and laughs and reduces my fear to a pea-sized node that I can shoot out of a straw.  (My WTF brain says:  OOOH!  I can put it under my mattress and obsess about whether I can feel it or not!)

I know I need to be positive.  I know I need to think health and wholeness and hope.  I know I need to believe I will be fine.  And I do believe that.  I am anticipating a challenging 6 or 8 more weeks and then everything will be fine.  I’ll be pain-free after 5 years.  I can hardly imagine what that will feel like, but I’m sure I’ll like it.  And I know my friends and family will lend me the strength to deal with whatever happens. 

It’s just that every now and then,WTF takes over and sometimes, just every once in a while, ROTF is away a little too long.